There's Just Something..

This weekend I went home and home's beauty embraced me with smells of lasagna and candles and apple cidar. On the green velvet sofa, and the pearls of memories embedded in its folds, I slept and found great comfort.
In the marvelous tub, among white morning air and light, I found the solace of old, while casting projections of the past from mind to marble floor. And after that reflective dip I dressed and slipped out of doors to greet great hours and thank the earth for her autumn bounty.
Mom and I bounded about twisting, crispy sidewalks, filling our pockets with horse chestnuts and exchanging thoughts and flashes of the future--usually a favorite subject of mine. But the morning was better than imagination, and the day better than day dreams, and my heart happier than it could wish to be. There's something about going home...There's something about a turn of earth and growing up and remembering what's truly good. There's just something about being alive...
There's just something...

Rome

I guess I belong in Rome.

Thoughtful Thursdays

Today was a Thoughtful Thursday. Thursday's are my restorative days. My alone days. Having lived an unmagical Wednesday, I felt to really make this day matter, to put my all into it. Traditionally I will go to the temple on these days but circumstances prevented it this morning. Other than that minor mishap everything went splendidly. I went to yoga, deep cleaned my room, did laundry, drank water, and wore something quirky but classic. In the afternoon I gathered a blanket and books and headed to the nearby duck pond for some time with nature and light and great minds. I wrote, I thought, I cried out of gratitude. And this great invisible cloud of peace came over me and the spirit truly spoke to me in its quiet ways. In the evening I took a rose petal bath and counted my blessings, for surely there were some to count!

Cheers to Thoughtful Thursdays!

Happy

Honestly I think about love a lot. It's all that matters to me. And love reminds me of Marc because he embodied its meaning perfectly. I think relationships are supposed to symbolize heaven so that when they are not used reverently they mean hell.
So I was just thinking about Marc yesterday when an Oprah Winfrey quote came to mind: "put yourself in the best moment for the next." In May that moment would have been to take a picture together and relish romance and friendship. Today I think it would be to learn how to be happy no matter the circumstances so that when we come back together we've acquired stable auras of unalterable happiness.
In the past Marc and I would switch off roles--one of us would be excited and ecstatic about life and the other would be sober and sad. It was the happy one's job to push the other into happiness. Now I entertain the possibility of two very independently happy people who bring their joy together for a great purpose. Can you imagine the energy? Can you imagine what they could do for the world? They'd be an unbeatable team.
That's what I want for Marc and I. That's what I'm striving to be for us.
Happy.

Old Visions Remembered

I was born to be a queen. To speak out. To change things. When I play it small I feel in hell. That's because I've a responsibility for the world. A responsibility to help heal it.

There are people to serve, words to speak, places to go, and lessons to learn.

What do I see?

many people. elephants. maps. plans. kindness. generosity. Africa. wide eyes. white smiles. water. speaking. school. education. taking pictures. inspiring nations. all with love. devotion. books. brilliance.
learning. reaching. ever reaching.

I hold a vision like a ball of light in the center of my brain. And it rolls around so I see blurs of it. Education matters. Education grants opportunity and education brings change. Africa matters but it has been forgotten. I care about Africa. I've discovered that. Hmm...I feel peaceful with this discovery, hopeful, on the verge of something. Something great.

Fairy Tale Fancy

One word: STARDUST. My newly beloved film! UH HUH! Perhaps it received some bad reviews but according to me it was absolutely wonderful. Isn't it amazing that fairytales often feel more real than say, historical fiction? I'm still rejoicing in the light I felt for a couple short hours. See it and we'll talk!

On Being One's Self

Last night I began I Capture the Castle, by Dodie Smith. Never before have I read a book that puts into words the very thoughts I've thought myself, a book that relates to me so nearly and dearly, a book that makes me jump and laugh and dream. I felt elated by finding company in related thought and feeling. As she bathed I did, though she ate chocolate and I raspberries. As she wrote I desired to write. As she reveled in wondering for hours, I wanted more than anything to be even more myself. Am I alone in feeling sometimes as if being oneself is not acceptable? Well today I want to be who I am. Today I want to write and glow . Here's to authenticity!

Too Wonderful

"There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea four which I know not: the way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid." Proverbs 30

In my heartland there rolls on gently a vastness of soft green hills, dotted by sun and shadow, an impressionist's painting. It's a pure place and I sit among the rich green wearing a white linen dress. And He is there. Because He put himself there. He put himself there with every kind kiss, with every compassionate glance, with every late night and sweet thought. And I gave myself to him so that I live in his heartland too. We are both changed but still whole. And in our wholeness we are made new, so that even when apart we have each other still.

Knowing this, I say to Him "All is well." And He agrees so that I can breathe again and cease fearing and move on into the new but ephemeral day. And I do. With peace.

It's too wonderful, too wonderul to love someone so wholly that when apart you are closer than ever in your heartlands. Such is the way of a man with a maid.

All that Really Matters

I want to write about my brain, how it works, its complexities, its strange cycles. But even I do not understand myself. Perhaps someday I will. But I write now of what I know, those simple few things, in hopes of clearing away clouds of confusion that currently cover my heart's white sun.

I do know that I feel a presence, many times a day, that urges me to do good and feel love. It is a real, palpable feeling that comforts me and guides me. I cannot deny it, demean it, or make light of it.

I do know that I hope for Christ and a better world and a bigger heart.

I do know that deep inside we all are good and that to see the good in others is more important than pointing out the few seemingly bad characteristics one might harbor.

I do know that love is real and that it sets us free.

I do know that Joseph Smith told the truth, as I've felt a tremendous witness. And because he told the truth, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ do live. They inhabit real bodies. Their love is true and powerful. And spreading their love is all that really matters.

Here comes the sun, doo doo doo doo...

Just Finger Tips Away...

Yesterday Marc and I went to see the Imax film Mystery of the Nile. I never realized how much there is to see in this world. How many mysteries wait for my wondering. How many landscapes and monuments and ancient places await my awe and gaze. There is so much to learn, so much to do, so much to change.

How come I so easily fall into boredom, blaa moods, fear of mediocracy? Love is real and adventure is but beneath my feet. Lately I've realized that we are free to choose not only what we do but with what mood we do what we do. We can choose joy. Amazing.

Joy has already chosen us. Her hand has been stretched.

In fact I feel that joy is what the atonement offers. "In the world you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer for I have overcome the world," says Christ. And be of good cheer we must. To be happy is to accept Christ's gift.

I plan on enjoying the earth, on venturing out and spotting the miraculous that blossoms before me, just finger tips away.

For a Magical Life...

For a magical life

jump with joy every day for all the blessings you can count.

be present.

find something new to adore in something old.

eat with your eyes closed.

bless every meal with real thanks, making each sacred.

make your prayers real conversations and always remember who's on the other side.

dance like a child.

wonder over boiling water and sprouting plants.

And always laugh from the belly.

Today I feel an immense peace blanketing me. I know all is as it should be. I know I can be who I am meant to be. I know I will be who I am meant to be. It's so relieving. I'm glad to know all is well.

Meringue House!

All be damned. Wow. Everything falls into place. There are miracles to be had if in the flow of miracles we float in. I have been guided be the hand of an angel to my new home! Meringue House! All aspects have worked themselves out and I am dancing in the wake of the wonderful. OH! I cannot wait to live there.

My love

Hotel Song (Regina)

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

What does this upcoming year have in store for me? No Other Way (Jack Johnson)

How about the next year? Come Fly With Me (Frank Sinatra)

What does my love life look like? The Sharing Song (Jack Johnson)

What will tomorrow bring? Look Through My Eyes (Phil Colins)

What do I say when life gets hard? How Great Thou Art (Motab)

How about when it's a breeze? Shoot the Moon (Norah Jones)

What do I think about when I get up in the morning? My Funny Valentine (Frank Sinatra)

What do I think before I fall asleep? Come On and We'll See (Marc's Mix)

What song will I dance to at my wedding? Suddenly I See (KT Tunstall)

What do I want to do for my career? The First Attack (Les Miserables)

My favorite saying? I've Got to See You Again (Norah Jones)

Favorite place? Per Te (Josh Groban)

Favorite vacation? One Day More (Les Miserables)

What do I think of my parents? Samson (Regina Specktor)

What do I think of my siblings? How to Save a Life

What do I think of my best friend? Young at Heart (Frank)

Boyfriend? The Prayer (Charlotte Church)

Where would I go on a first date? She Will Be Loved (Maroon 5)

Where will I be when I'm proposed to? Jungle Gym (Jack)

What's my graduation song? To Make You Feel My Love (Garth Brooks)

What will I name my first born son? Lady in Red

And my first born daughter? I Will Sing With the Spirit (Motab)

Drug of choice? All Night Long (Bobby Darin)

Describe myself. Field Below (Regina)

What is the thing I like doing most? Never Know (Jack)

The song that best describes the president? Empty Chairs at Empty Tables (Les Mis)

What is the state of my mind at this moment? Upside Down (Jack)

How will I die? Mack the Knife (Bobby Darin)

What will my last words be? Meet Virginia (Train)

What will people remember about me? Over My Head ( the Fray)

The song that will be played at my funeral? When You Say You Love Me (Josh Groban)

What will they engrave on my tombstone? Nearer My God To Thee (Motab)

The song I will put as this title: Hotel Song (Regina)

An Ode to the Ordinary

Today I find myself compelled to thank

red tulips

Ali close

Conversation

kisses

Christ

the color blue

goosebumps

tears

and smiles

Dream sharing

Dresses

The beauty of health

Fun

Chocolate cake

Love

The vision of my future

Ice cream

Yogurt with granola

the happy prospect of Spring

A hot core inside the earth

velvet

my camera

Honesty

The divine mixture of passion and affection

My ability to have kids

forced bulbs

and

Happiness

The Deepest Desire of My Heart

In the past I've often asked friends, who've in turn asked me, "what is the deepest desire of your heart?" I've always given it a go. But I didn't really know. Until yesterday when, it hit me like a ton of bricks that tears almost fell out of me from the force.

The deepest desire of my heart is to partake of the fruit, to dwell in celestial love, to love so fully and widely that it fills me up and the seed in my heart sprouts into a tree of life in and of itself. It's this desire to live in love, in only love. For love is limitless, love is fearless, the fruit of love is everthing good. I want to love.

Love is the deepest desire of my heart.

Allelujah!

There are days when, walking through the pollutions, I fathom an aura of white light around my figure. It protects my inner realms, keeps me bright within, as without might be prone to dull.

The street is gray and bare but then I come in white light and this light makes sidewalks, caked with dirty snow, holy traffics, divine paths. And in this light I grow, am nourished, and find a goddess self. Glimpses of this goddess self inspire me to walk on, "until the perfect day." Allelujah! ha!

All We are Meant to Be

Okay--I feel compelled to stay and grow friendships here in beloved Salt Lake. Westminster reveals herself to me in all her glories and quarks; I'm a connisoeur of her gifts and diverse offerings. So now that I begin to joy in her, I must pursue a true rapport.

So Ali (and Chloe), given this news, we must conjure up a day dream of next year's little cottage. I for one cast a vote for stark white walls. Anything else is not a blank enough slate. We must spend the summer collecting shabby chic-like stools and pillows and maybe a sofa or two over-stuffed chairs. White cotton slip covers and gorgeous clips of flowers will smile up the ambiance. Indeed, flowers, as we've invariably agreed, must be part of the monthly budget.

White sheets, fluffy white towels, books, art, our collages--these beauties will surround us and feed us and define us. It will provide us with room to grow, to cry, and to bloom. Oh! It will be our little temple cottage, for in it we will surely find ourselves--all we are meant to be.

Child-like Enthusiasm

Ali--I think I'm going to always collect little elephants! Thank you for thinking of me.

This week has definitely been a week of identifying art and romance in ordinary things. I bought three white tulips on my walk home from school, looked up at the sky and noticed the telephone wires looked patterned and interestingly angled. I noticed little balls of water clinging to a shampoo bottle--they looked desperate to remain whole.

The velvet green cushions I see every day look magical in a certain time of sun. Light changes mere objects into beauties. I find myself aweing over dish soap in afternoon dazzle, blue glasses among a multiplicty of fire fairies.

The water in the tub seems black and white marble to me--it seals me in its stillness. Its swirls seem permanent, ancient even. I sit among stone.

The world is not what it seems. Far from it. Enchantment makes her up--she is the stuff of God so that even deserts and smog speak of some kind of genius.

Finding Place

It feels my world is falling into a graceful melody. How deep and straight my path feels. Yes. I can feel her. The woman I am underneath fear and loss and greed. In love she means peace and in peace she means gratitude and in gratitude she means generosity and in generosity she means freedom--freedom to do good in the earth.

With Ali I embark on my first real adventure: Washington D.C. all alone. I'm thrilled! There we campaign for the peace we long for, for the peace we celebrate.

School grows daily in its charms. Photography, art, anthropology and English increasingly delight my intellectual tastebuds and feed my mind, pump my blood.

I've been called to be Gospel Doctrine teacher. Yes! Public Speaking tickles me absolutely pink. And I thorougly enjoy teaching truth, guiding great conversations, asking the magical questions, feeding spiritual minds.

Everything makes more sense this month.

It feels I'm finaly finding place.